Path to Providence

Trembling, I knelt beside my bed one more time. I’d been there nearly every night for the past three months, praying this would be the night God chose to swoop in and take this thing from me. Praying that I would wake up and it would all be over. It would be gone; the heaviness that weighed on my chest, the constant paranoia, and the lingering fear this feeling may never go away. My son was almost 6 months old. Shouldn’t these postpartum issues have passed by now? What if this isn’t temporary, I wondered?
What if this is just, ME now?

My entire body shook. I had never known what the phrase “tremble in fear” meant until walking this valley of postpartum anxiety. I didn’t even know, at that time, postpartum anxiety was a real thing. I had dealt with anxiety and worry my whole life, but it had gotten better. I hadn’t had a panic attack since collage and up until a few months after my son was born, it seemed a thing of the past. I assumed it was only something I dealt with before my faith was strong.

As Christians, we’re not supposed to be trembling at the side of our beds worrying if the nightmares will come as we try to sleep or if we’ll have the strength to get dressed, get the baby ready and make it through another day of work, are we? We’re supposed to have faith, even as tiny as a mustard seed to move this mountain. So why then, after so many nights falling on my knees in prayer, was I still trembling in fear? Why then, after reading countless books and highlighting every scripture on fear so many times my Bible pages were worn thin, was my mind still constantly racing with what-ifs?

Had God forgotten me? Was he too busy dealing with “real” illnesses and diseases? Was I supposed to just get over this, deal with it, move on, suck it up and push past it?

I wanted to. I wanted to snap my fingers and make it vanish. I wanted to say the right prayer, find magical wording in a book, or hear a song that would be my aha moment; where all these feelings vanished and suddenly I felt like me again. But that’s not what happened.

What happened was through that valley God called me to minister to other women. Women who are hurting, broken and in desperate need of someone to see them. For the longest time, I thought this calling meant I somehow needed to fix myself and be better. But, I realize, God has called me to these broken women not because I’m better than them, but because I AM them.

The vision for this ministry came during the darkest valley of my life and had I not walked that broken road, I’d never be able to relate to those trudging through it now.

My healing from postpartum anxiety came slowly. The process was painfully slow. It wasn’t an instant snap of the fingers or a single verse or passage that brought me to healthier place. And it wasn’t a steady uphill climb. There were pits and pot holes, hurdles and mountaintops. It took God’s perfect timing to place the people, the counseling, a natural supplement and the support I would need to find victory at just the right moments along my journey. It took a Sovereign God, who creates blessings in battles, to gently lead me to a tender Grace-filled place with Him.

I can look back now and see how God used that time to work deep into the soil of my heart and dig up the bitter pain and regret from my past that was at the root of my anxiety. Had he given me instant relief of my feelings, as I wept on shaking knees at the side of my bed, I would not have sought the true healing my soul desperately longed for.

#postpartum #mentalhealth #maternalMHmatters #postpartumanxiety #mentalhealthmatters #pmad

📷: 2017 team Worship and Wellness retreat

My sister called to tell me she was mailing a few things for the kids and tossing in a couple pairs of pants for me. The box arrived a few days later containing birthday gift cards for my son, some ocean creatures that grow in water and two pairs of pants with the tags still on them.

One tag, $185. The other, $165.

Y’all, I don’t wear $185 pants. I will inevitably spill something on them, get them caught on something sharp, wash them with the wrong colors or find some other way to destroy them. I’m haphazard and messy. I’m in the boogers and peanut butter stage of life with littles. My pants need to come from Target or Old Navy clearance so that, when I ruin them in some fashion, I won’t be devastated.

She insisted I take them because she never wore them and had bought them years ago at a boutique. So, after carefully removing the tags and washing them, I finally decided to test drive the expensive jeans. I would wear them only for a few hours in between meals, to avoid any unwanted spillage.

I slipped them on and it was like sliding into butter. I was coming home to a place prepared just for me.
They were the softest thing to cover my legs apart from leggings and my favorite sweats! They fit like a glove and after a few hours of wear I realized I wasn’t yanking on them to stay in place or wishing I could get home and change into my pajama pants. I had found the jeans that had been missing from my life for 39 years!

As I melted into a daydream while caressing the soft fabric, it occured to me I missed out on these pants all these years because I’m cheap. I’m a “bargain shopper”. That’s the label I put on myself that kept me looking for lesser labels. I had boxed myself so far into the clearance aisle, I couldn’t even see the fancy boutique shop holding the jeans that just changed my life.

You’d think this realization would suddenly have me on a shopping spree, but it didn’t. I’ll still pull up in my minivan with the next bucks back coupon I get for Old Navy and wait a few more years in hopes that my sister will hand me down another pair of fancy pants.

However, knowing my “bargain shopper” label caused me to miss out on something incredible, made me wonder what other incredible things I’ve missed out on because of labels.

I have a label called “Worrier”. It pairs well with “Planner” when circumstances aren’t falling into place the way I’d like them to. I spin ideas and what-ifs continuously in my mind, playing out scenarios and imaginary conversations until I’ve spun myself into a tizzy or even become physically ill.

Other labels I’ve placed on myself over the years include; Not organized,
Not a morning person, Hot Mess, Overeater, Late, Weak, Shy, Fearful, Not Enough, Failure.

The labels I’ve worn willingly throughout my life have kept me from experiencing God’s best for me. While no label in this world can keep you from His perfect Love and gift of Grace through salvation, these earthly labels can keep us from enjoying the abundant blessings He has in store for us along life’s journey.

John 10:10 tells us Christ came so we might have life and have it to the full (have it and enjoy it abundantly).

I’ve spent years in this world maintaining a “get by” stance because of my labels.
If I can just get through the diaper stage, just get through this rough patch in our marriage, just get through school, just get through the next year of this job I hate; until all of life became just getting through.

Friends, just getting through is not what God intends for us. Not just in eternity, but here and now. He’s not a someday God, He’s a here and now companion and friend who wants to take the boxed-in labels that have kept you trapped. He wants to take the labels that have kept you settling for the clearance aisle and place you in the boutique dressing room with your very own pair of fancy pants!

He wants to take your worry and give you peace.
Take your hurt and give you hope.
Take your mess and give you grace.
Take your chaos and give you clarity.
Take your weakness and make you strong.
Take your fear and give you victory.
Take your failure and give you redemption.
Take your pain and give you purpose.
Take your shame and give you dignity.
Take your not enough and be more than enough for you.

The secret is, it’s not found in a boutique or in a $185 pair of jeans. It’s found only in Him.

He’s the only one who can take those labels and make you whole because Christ already took all your labels upon Him and nailed them to the cross.
Don’t pick them up again, friend.

Leave them. And leave them again and again at His feet. He never tires of you. He never grows weary. He is faithful and constant and good even when everything in this world wants to tell you otherwise.

He calls you by name and replaces every label you ever wore with one word; “MINE”.

You are His. You are treasured. You are of great value; even more value than fancy pants!

#atthecross #pathtoProvidence #fancypants

This orchid was a gift the day our daughter, Anna, entered the world. It was full of beautiful blooms! We brought it home and as we nutured and cared for our new baby, we nurtured and cared for this orchid.

Our sweet girl continued to grow and thrive and well, sadly I can’t say the same for our poor plant.

It survived our move to the mountains of North Carolina but it stopped blooming. We tried different places in the house; morning light and afternoon light. We set it outside on warm days, watered as directed and yes, even talked to it! We researched ways to help it grow and tried every tip we could find.
Maybe it was my husband’s love for plants or maybe it was the fact that this flower was gifted on such a special day, but we just couldn’t get rid of it.

And so it sat. Stagnant and ugly; with two bare twigs sticking up and it’s leaves looking weak and wilted, while we continued to nuture it with seemingly no response.
Then one day, we noticed one small healthy green shoot coming from deep in the soil. New growth was breaking through. For two years, this plant appeared to be dead and suddenly new life was bursting forth. Over the next few months it continued to grow and form seven new buds! Today, four have bloomed!

What appeared to be a dead, now has four beautiful vibrant blooms.
I’m so glad we didn’t give up, didn’t stop caring for it and didn’t let go of hope that one day it might bloom again. Not just because it brightens up the window sill in my home office but because it’s now a symbol of promise.

Friends, I don’t know what you’ve been cultivating in your life. Maybe it’s raising children or growing a business. Maybe it’s investing in a relationship or pouring time and energy into a lifelong dream. But if you’re facing times where it seems all your effort has been wasted, if it feels like your actions are futile and no good harvest will ever come forth; don’t give up.

What we couldn’t see, God did. We couldn’t see what was happening under the soil. New life was beginning to grow. On the surface all seemed lost but He knew what was about to break through!
If you’ve lost hope. If what you’ve been praying over seems dead. If you’ve tried everything you know to do to make it work and it still seems impossible, give it to Him. Trust His timing.

Continue to do the work He’s asked you do and trust the results to God. You can not control the outcomes but you can control your actions. Continue to cultivate.
Continue to water.
Wait for the harvest!

If you’ve ever set up one of those pop-up canopy tents, you know they aren’t the most sturdy shelters, especially against much wind.
I had one I used when I was doing many outdoor vendor events for my wellness business. It was one of the best ones you could buy and even had detachable sides with little plastic windows. It provided perfect sheild from the sun and made a great spot to hang cute decorations, but a gust of wind could take it airborne in two seconds. It was like trying to hold down a parachute. The wind would rip through and lift the thin metal legs off the ground using the canopy roof as it’s vehicle.
I quickly learned, by watching my fellow event vendors, that sandbags or gallon water jugs were necessary to hold down the fort.
Every event I did, I would make sure I had my gallon jugs tied down, one on each leg, so my tent would stand against the elements.

One weekend, I loaned my fancy canopy tent to a teammate. After a windy Saturday, the tent was returned with a broken leg. I can’t remember if the water jugs had failed against the high winds or if she’d forgotten to put them down but, either way, the event tent’s weak legs weren’t able to stand the storm.

Have you ever felt like that canopy tent? Like you’re just not able to stand the storm?
One of my favorite scriptures is found in Ephesians, before Paul lists the armor of God. It begins in verse 13 and continues to 14 saying, “and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then”.

What should we do when we’ve done everything to stand firm in life’s storms? We’ve set up our tent, tied on our sandbags and water jugs, and even hung our cute decorations. Now what?
Now, we stand firm.

Oh my goodness, I have felt like event tent. Tossed around, beaten, battered, and even broken a leg a time or two. I have felt like whatever tools I have at my feet, are too small to stand up against the storm. Like I’m being hit from all sides and all I’ve got is plastic windows. Like I’m being picked up and tossed and the water jugs that were supposed to hold me down are half empty.

Friends, have you been there?
So how then, do we stand firm? Let’s read on. “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” And then he tells us to pray.

Y’all that sounds like a lot more protection from the wind and storm than just a few sandbags or water jugs.
This type of armor would have made my event tent look like a military tank. A tank is an armoured fighting vehicle designed for front-line combat, with heavy firepower, strong armour, tracks and a powerful engine providing good battlefield maneuverability.
That sounds so much more powerful than water jugs!

How are you prepping for the storm, friends? Are you equipping yourself to stand firm with the full armor of God or are you grabbing a couple sandbags and water jugs and hoping for the best?

You don’t get this kind of heavy armor by filling out your good Christian checklist or even sitting in church every Sunday. You get it by digging in deep to the truth of God’s word and letting Him transform your life. You get it by walking through the storms of life in trusting dependance on God, knowing that even if you break a leg in this one, your faith will be stronger and His perfect plan will be unfolding. You get it by understanding, He is Sovereign and always good and that even if you feel tossed by the wind, there is purpose in this stormy season.

Friend, I wish I could tell you that when you put on your tank-like armor you’ll no longer feel rocked by the pain of this world but that is simply un-true.
I can tell you, you’ll walk upright. You’ll walk in Hope. You’ll walk with a strange Peace that is difficult to even comprehend and you’ll walk in a Truth that others lack. While confusion and choas will be their companion. You’ll see purpose and design.

So after you’ve done everything to stand. And I mean everything, not just grabbing a couple water jugs, but everything to let God anchor you, stand firm then. Stand firm.

#theparableoftheeventtent #atthecross #pathtoProvidence

It had been a long hard week. My mental health was teetering somewhere between needing a good cry and a long bath and appearing on an episode of Snapped.

I needed a break.

Calendar interruptions and illnesses had now made it three weeks since my tinest little human had been to her sitter’s house which equated to three weeks of juggling business with a full house. In addition, we were in the thick of launching my husband’s concrete business which meant I was navigating the world of job estimate forms and typing contracts; secretarial services I am ill equipped for besides knowing how to use the Google search bar. To top off this season of chaos we had suddenly found ourselves without the last “pashi” and made the executive decision (despite our mental wellbeing) to say goodbye to the pacifier for good.

What were we thinking?

I assure you, in this 39th year of life and 7th year of parenting, I’m not looking for ways to increase sleep deprivation. But alas, these were the first world problems affecting our lives over the past few weeks. The icing on top of the messy pile was that my most recent order of supplements had arrived and I realized I’d forgotten to order my natural stress relief!

It was there, in the thick of this busy week, on the 5th day without my stress relief supplement, when everything unraveled. I had the brilliant idea to take both kids to the Saturday Home Depot kid’s workshop and if that wasn’t enough I decided to follow it up with a Target trip to purchase a birthday present for a party that afternoon.

A jam packed Saturday with 2 kids, one whom is going through “pashi” withdrawal, is not good for someone who struggles with anxiety and is without their stress relief supplement.

Ok, let’s stop right here so I can acknowledge everyone who just said, “but Jesus is our Peace” and started mentally quoting 2 Timothy 1:7 to me. Y’all, I know. It took me years to come to the conclusion that while I am a spiritual being, I live in a human body and reside in a fallen world. And because of that, there are physiological aspects and external stressors that affect our ability to handle anxiety. We were created for the Garden. Our bodies weren’t created for the world we live in. However, the full power and presence of Christ dwells within this broken body and because of that you better believe I pray and claim strongholds be broken! And as an answer to those prayers, I believe God gives us tools here in this earthly world to help us. My tools to combat anxiety have included pastoral counseling, centering prayer, scripture affirmations, exercise and a natural supplement. For some, their tool box may include a pharmaceutical medication. And for others it may be a completely spiritual toolbox. Our tools look different from one another and will be different depending on the season of life we are in. Here, in this busy season of life, I’m thankful God led me to this supplement I now keep in my toolbox!

So back to Saturday. The chaos culminated with a breakdown in the Target Starbuck’s where I found myself too frazzled to order. I got in “line” behind a very put together mom and child who kindly told me they had already ordered. So I moved my wild crew that was begging for cake pops and attempting to rearrange the water bottles and organic juice boxes, to yet another “line” behind another way-to-fancy-for-Target-on-a-Saturday-morning mom who sweetly said, “you order up there at the counter”.

I wanted to pull my ratty flannel over my face and hide. I know how to order at Starbucks. I’ve done it successfully many times in my life and yet today, with the lack of sleep rattling my brain and the chatterbox thoughts of comparison waging war in my mind, telling me every single person in Target has it more together than me; I simply couldn’t process the situation. Suddenly, placing an order at Starbucks was like trying to solve a quadratic equation. That frazzled state is a scary place to be. I could feel my blood pressure rising and my cheeks getting red.
I stopped. I prayed. I breathed and I ordered. All while making a joke about needed coffee and brushing it off to the rest of the Starbucks onlookers.

Then I came home and cried, telling my husband there’s something inevitably wrong with me.

I was a mess.

It’s funny looking back, ok maybe slightly chuckle worthy. Now that things have settled a bit in our world, my supplement arrived and I’ve had 2 full nights of uninterrupted sleep; I can find the humor in it. But in that moment, I was wrecked.

Sometimes though friends, wrecked is exactly where God wants you to be because it’s exactly where you find yourself pressing in to Him the most. When you no longer find yourself strong enough for even the most simple tasks, the ones you take for granted like ordering some cake pops and Venti waters; He is there. On your strong days, He is there. In the pit of depair and in the winner’s circle of life, yes, He is there!

He is constant.

The same God who was holding me as I unraveled in that Target Starbucks also walked with me across the stage to celebrate becoming a top earner in my business. And friends, here’s the truth you must lock onto, He looked at me in the same loving way in both situations.

“That’s my girl.”, He gently whispered as he held me close, wiping tears from my eyes, assuring me I’m not crazy and will feel strong again soon. “That’s my girl!”, He exclaimed as I took the stage and celebrated three years of hard work and consistent effort.

I don’t need to compare myself to anyone else or strive to be anything other than His. I don’t need accomplishments or praise from others. I don’t need things of this world. Even Starbucks will pass away. What Jesus told Martha still stands true today, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
All I need to do, in my moments of weakness and in my moments of glory; is to sit at his feet.
To be held. To be loved. To be seen. To be known by the One who knows all and holds all in his hands.

I really just need to be.

The next time you find yourself unraveling, feeling like you’re unable to do even the most simple tasks life requires, remember the parable of Starbucks. You may be exactly where you need to be; right in the middle of the kind of wrecked place that leads you to His feet.

Only one thing is needed and that isn’t a latte. It’s Christ alone.

~ 12 years of writing slowly but surely being turned into my first book ~

For years, I stalled on this goal because the actions of working toward it never looked like what I had envisioned.

I thought writing would mean sitting in a quiet peaceful place, surrounded by nature, sipping hot tea with all the time in the world to pour out my thoughts on paper.

But that’s not at all the season of life I’m in nor the way this goal plays out in my day to day. It’s me using voice to text to write in the notes app of my phone during parent pick-up. It’s 5am journaling and getting out of bed at midnight to scribble down a thought that won’t let me rest. It’s snipits of ideas scrawled on the back of receipts and napkins while chasing my kids around and packing snacks. It’s grit and grind, tears and joy and 7000 moments I want to give up. It’s no one watching and no one caring, except me.

I share this because some of you have a stirring in your soul to go after something but your “right now” doesn’t align with what you think you need in order to achieve it. Friends, let me tell you, it never will. If there is a dream in your heart that you can’t stop thinking about, you have to stop waiting for s o m e day. Your life will never look like what you want unless you take action in your right-now-mess to make it what you want.

It will look hard and long and not give you any payback at first. It will take a million small actions that don’t seem to matter but will slowly begin to build and compound on each other until o n e day, when you look back and realize how far you’ve come.

Stay the course, my friends. Make the hard choices. Do the work.

Stop waiting for your ship to come in and start building it!

If God put this in your heart, then He has already equipped you but that doesn’t mean the road will be easy. It will be marked with pain and defeat as well as rest and victory. That’s the rhythm.

Do it for your audience of One. Do it for you.

Do it.

Getting my son up for school in the morning is like walking with someone through the 5 Stages of Grief and Loss.

First there is denial, “It’s not morning! It’s still dark out!!” Then anger. This includes thrashing around in the bed, moaning, guttural sobs, and shouts of resistance. Next comes bargaining. “Can I sleep for two more minutes?”, “I don’t really have to go today, right?” “Can today be a stay at home day then I’ll go to school tomorrow?” Depression follows, exhibited in the slow walk downstairs dragging his trusty blue blankey behind him. It’s a painful, forced walk as if it’s taking everything he has to put one foot in front of the other. He’ll slump over on the couch and briefly visit the land of Bargaining again as he makes futile requests for shows. He may even toss in a, “but I don’t feel good” in a last ditch effort before acceptance finally sets in and he gets dressed.

It’s an arduous and painful process that gets repeated daily. Some mornings he wakes up on his own, we have snuggle time and he’s happy and excited to get to school. But most mornings, regardless of what time he went to bed, he just doesn’t want to do it.

Can you relate to the daily struggle? Things you just don’t want to do. Maybe they’re things you know you should do, like exercise and eating kale. Or maybe it’s walking into a job you hate every single day. Perhaps it’s waking up each day to face a chronic illness or maybe it’s just facing that mountain of laundry. You might be walking through a true process of grief and loss as you’ve had a loved one taken from you all too soon.

Whatever it is friend, take heart that this is only your “right now”. I’m in no way comparing laundry to loss of life. Those are completely different struggles, with very different processes. Some of you are walking hard long roads of struggle that seem to last all too long and one inspirational post isn’t going to change those circumstances nor bring the salve needed to heal your hurting places.

But perhaps you’ll find the Savior who can.

You see, God not only has our future, where one day He’ll wipe every tear from our eyes, He has our right now. This walk with Jesus would be awfully difficult and disappointing if all we had was the assurance of some day. Giving your life to Christ is so much more than a ticket to Heaven. It’s a guarantee that you never have to do ~ right now ~ alone!

When you’re walking the slow painful walk, dragging your blankey behind you, He’s there. Breathing fresh air of hope into your lungs, speaking life into your soul, singing over you in the dark, opening your eyes to see there is so much more than the turmoil directly in front of you. There is a peace that passes all understanding that can only be experienced through pain. It’s in those hard places of right now, we see Him more clearly and glimpse the unfathomable love of a Father who is absolutely crazy about us.

My prayer is that you’ll trust him. With your tomorrow, with eternity, with the pain from your past and with your right now, I pray you’ll invite him into all your mess.

The right now road load is lighter when the Creator of life is carrying it all.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”

1 Peter 5:6-7

One of my favorite parts of the day is right after I drop my little man off at school. Not because I’m relieved he’s gone, although there are days the battle of getting out of bed and finding shoes meets a welcomed end in the drop off line. No, it’s a quiet time when I take the long way home, drive up the hill behind the school and enjoy this gorgeous view of the sun coming up over the mountains. I sip my fat-burning coffee and take just a moment, a very brief moment if cars are behind me, to take it all in. Sometimes, I snap a picture. sometimes, I roll down the window and breathe in the fresh air. Sometimes, I just give a quick glace. But every time I pause to thank my Father for his creation.

The long way brings pause and reflection. It brings peace and a new hope for what lies ahead each day.

I love taking the long way home.

At least, in this instance I do. But friends, let me tell you, there have been some long ways home in my life, I’d rather not have traveled.

When Dan was in the Army, deployment years brought a long way I prayed we’d never have to travel again. Those years apart were stressful and draining, not only emotionally but on our relationship as well.

Going through a marriage help program several years ago was a long long road that had us both looking for exit signs. And we still find, at times, we take the long way to a resolution in conflict rather than getting straight to the source of our struggle.

Walking through the valley of postpartum anxiety disorder was a long dark way home that I never wanted to travel. I prayed constantly for a shortcut; a shorter path to healing but that isn’t what happened. As I look back now, I can see it was a long way but a necessary way.

That’s the peculiar thing about long ways; Once traveled, you realize the value in them. Long ways are arduous and painful but they lead to the most brilliant views of perspective and truth.

Perhaps you find yourself traveling a long way home today. Maybe it’s a long way in your career path or in navigating your finances. It could be a long way in caring for an aging parent or a loved one dealing with an illness. Maybe your long way has been a lifetime of physical illness and pain in your own body. Perhaps you find yourself in the middle of a long way raising a child with special needs or an adoption process that’s taking longer than you ever expected. Maybe your long way is in healing from past hurts that shattered your heart and wrecked your mind.

Friends, whatever long way you’re traveling today, may I urge you to stop looking for short cuts and exit signs and look instead to the author and finisher of your faith. The one who promised to never leave you nor forsake you. The one who is holding your hand and guiding your steps, even carrying you along this long road home.

Oh sweet friends, I know you can’t see Him and at times He feels so far away! But I promise you what He’s allowed has purpose, if you’ll travel this long road in trusting dependence on Him.

For your next breath, for your next step, when the path stretches too far ahead to see the end and you know you can’t make it on your own;
Fix your eyes on Him.

“I look up to the mountains;
does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.
He won’t let you stumble,
your Guardian God won’t fall asleep.” Psalm 121:1-3 MSG

The view at the end of the long way home is worth the trip, but the fruit that’s grown in you along the way is priceless.
Perseverance is priceless.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 NIV

Trust the process, my friend. Take the long way home.

 

“You’re going to remember picture day, you’re going to remember picture day” I told myself during the week leading up to the big event. I hung the reminder on the fridge and set it in my phone calendar. In an effort to keep it fresh in my mind, I asked my first-grade man what he’d like to wear for picture day.

“Hmmm”, he said. “How about a camera shirt!” His eyes widened at the brilliance of this idea.
“Ummm”, trying not to burst his bubble, I gently reminded him, “you don’t have a camera shirt”.
“Maybe we can do that thing! You know, like how the lady made my blue blankey. What’s that Mommy?”, he asked so innocently, making me realize my son doesn’t even know what sewing is because he’s never seen me sew or mend one item in his whole life and likely never will.
“Sewing?”, I asked, already knowing the answer.
“Yes!!!, he exclaimed! We can plug it in right here!” He flung his hands out toward the outlet as if revealing the stage to a Broadway performer.

Impressed he knew such devices required electricity, I broke the news that his mommy didn’t own a sewing machine.
He looked dejected.
“BUT!”, I said in a true Mommy MacGyver moment. “Your sister has a camera shirt that’s too small for her! What if we use it to make one for you?”
He seemed intrigued by the trash the treasure idea. We dove in with some scissors, fabric tape (not sure why I even had that in my crafty bin of tricks…obviously due to the no sewing thing) and fabric markers and in less than an hour we had a perfectly vintage looking camera shirt that would ensure picture day was remembered in the morning!

I wondered if I should write a note to his teacher explaining that the shirt was his idea. Should I put a button up over it? Are they going to think I was trying to be clever? Are they going to think I forgot it was picture day?
No, I decided, if he wants to share his story with them, he will. Otherwise, the important thing is we will always have this memory of making a vision come to life; turning a dream into reality. It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. My baby left for school proud of his creation. Something he envisioned became a tangible item in a matter of minutes, with just a little teamwork!

It may seem silly but I pray this first grade photo stands as a reminder to him that visions can become a reality. You see, my boy has a dream in his heart. He wants to build a hotel that will help house homeless people.

“There can be rooms just for homeless people. And there can be beds for the mommy and daddy and the kids too. And they will have a scan card so if they don’t have money, they can just use their scan card to sleep there. And they can use it to get food, like room service.”

He’s talked about this many times. He’s described it in detail. And when he sees a homeless person, he says it again, “if they had a hotel, Mama, that didn’t cost money, they could just go there. Or if we give them all of our monies, they can stay at the hotel.”

As a parent, I have a choice. I can brush off these statements as childhood innocence and give them no validation or I can pour believe and value into my sweet boy’s dreams and remind him, with God, all things are possible.

I choose the latter.

I choose to affirm his desire to serve and help others by providing ways to love others through service now. I choose to share my own dreams with him and work every day as an example of how to make them happen.
And I choose to foster his creativity by helping him turn an old stained t-shirt into a one-of-a-kind camera shirt for picture day.

So many of us have given up on our dreams. Life has knocked us down too many times. Our circumstances have robbed us of innocence so we’d rather teach our children to be “realists” rather than “dreamers”. To play it safe, rather than get hurt.

I refuse to pray safe prayers for my kids. I’m not talking about their protection. I’m saying, I want life to knock them for loops, throw curve balls, test their faith and strengthen their resolve. I want them to take shaking steps of courage. To face their giants afraid but brave and to hold tight to the hand of their Heavenly Father who walks beside them all the way!

I want them to know a vision can become a reality if they put faith in action and stay the course. I want them to trust the desires God has placed in their heart even in the face of adversity and against the robbers of fear and doubt. I want them to live with the boldness needed to be a strikingly different light, shining in a dark world that so desperately needs them.

I want them to look at a world of ratty old too-small t-shirts and see brand new camera shirts ready to be made!

This sweet baby had her two year old checkup yesterday. She was all smiles showing off her verbal skills and chanting a precious “thank you” every time the doctor examined another area of her little body. Her contagious smile with those two little dimples brightened the room, until the finger prick. It was the tiniest vial they needed to fill for a routine lead test but it might as well have been a gallon bucket. It was one tiny prick with the needle but then the nurse began to squeeze and squeeze her little fingertip in order to fill the small vial with blood. With every squeeze, my baby girl cried harder. With every squeeze, her expression became more frightened and confused. It was as if she was thinking, “what is happening here? Everything was going along fine. Everyone was nice. But now, suddenly, I’m being tortured! Why is this happening to me and when is this going to end?!”

I tried to explain that her blood was being drawn for a reason. But all she saw was blood and all she felt was pain. Even though her pain had purpose, she couldn’t understand the event that was transpiring. Shear panic had set in and no amount of logical reasoning was going to speak peace to her two year old mind.

Our pain is often poured out for purpose. Life gives us tiny pricks. At first we may think, “this isn’t too bad. I can handle this.” But as more hurdles and challenges come our way, we begin to panic. The events unfold and our unwanted and undesirable circumstances squeeze and squeeze every drop of strength until we feel we have nothing left.

Have you ever felt like that? Are you there today?

This life will always bring moments of pain and suffering. But isn’t it incredible to know, we have a God who is working all these things together for our good?

The Cross gives us the ultimate image of pain poured out for purpose. As Christ bled and died, the very life drained from his body, there was purpose in every drop of blood that was shed. Every drop erased a sin from you and from me and secured our home in Heaven.

Friends, as difficult as it is to believe when all we see is our current circumstance and all we feel is pain; God has a purpose. When your strength, your energy, your peace, your joy, your faith feels like it’s being squeezed and squeezed until you have nothing left, look to the Cross and trust your pain is poured out for purpose.

As we sat in the doctor’s office yesterday, I held my sobbing girl and gently repeated “this will only hurt for a little bit. Then it will be all done. It’s to make sure you’re heathy and strong. It will be ok. Soon it will be better.”
I wonder, has my Heavenly Father watched me cry and longed to explain the pain I suffered was for a purpose? Has He held me and whispered, “this will only hurt for a little bit. It’s to make sure you’re healthy and strong. Soon it will be better.”?
I believe He has. I believe He is.

Oh, how I wish I could give purpose to your pain today and tell you it will only hurt for a little while and soon will be all done. But friends, unlike my daughter’s finger, most of our problems can’t be consoled with a Care Bear Band-aid and a kiss. Some of our wounds have lingered so long, the band-aids have long worn off, no salve has brought healing and every day we wake to a reminder that the pain and the hurt is still there.

The child with a condition or disease we can’t take away. The balance in the bank account that we can’t seem to increase. The family member with an addiction we aren’t able to help. The diagnosis from the doctor we can’t change.

It would be glorious if I could tell you exactly why such trial has entered your life and what beauty may be born from it. But I don’t know and you may not either until you see Jesus face to face. I would love to tie up your pain with a pretty bow, packing every answer to every question nicely inside the ornamental packaging but I don’t believe that’s what we’re called to do. I believe we’re called to be so real with each other that identifying another’s pain, will give purpose to ours.

After her rainbow Care Bear Band-aid was applied, my sweet girl looked up at the nurse and with tear-filled eyes, in between weepy gasps, whispered “thank you”.

If we truly learn to trust our Father. I mean, really trust that God is good all the time, He gives us the supernatural strength to say in every circumstance, through trial and pain, “Thank you. Thank you”.